I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
