toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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