Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
