walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
