If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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