One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
