i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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