something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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