i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize