I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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