Someone shit on the floor
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
