We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
