Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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