Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
