Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
