Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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