I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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