Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
