I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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