I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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