I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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