And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
