i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
