I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
