I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
