Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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