i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
