it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
