Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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