my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
