in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
