Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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