you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
