dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
