You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
