Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
