my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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