I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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