The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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