He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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