I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
