At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
