I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
