I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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