I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
