Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
