i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
