I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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