When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
