Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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