Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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