I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
