we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
