so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
