were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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