You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize