if you like me you must not know who I am
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize