i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
