need another drink. this is the easiest way
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
